I’m so tired of taking care of myself. Of trying to clean up. Making things look good. I’m a mess inside and out.
Don’t ask me to give you my 100% as you do. I know you always have, but you can’t say you always will, you know? I won’t be sucked in only to be dragged deeper in death, I won’t. Call me selfish, but I won’t do that to myself. I’m just trying, tryyying to get it to hurt less (even though it is inevitable). The only person that’s going to be here when the pain comes will be me and you won’t be here to ease any of it. You won’t be here at all.
Now I don’t blame you. I’m not angry. I know you gotta do what you gotta do.. or what you think you have to do. Or what you think is a smart choice. It’d be selfish of me to keep you here and the point is: you are leaving.
So don’t ask me for my 100% and don’t give me yours, because there’s no guarantee that were in this for long run or the right reasons. Either way, this is going to hurt. And I just want it to hurt less.
So this is painful. Physically freaking painful. It’s like period cramps sort of. Except they never ever ever go away. And your urine is like fucking hot sauce. And I haaad to learn this the hard way. How has no one ever mentioned this to me?! I mean I know these kinds of things would be left out to keep the romanticism of sex but jesus christ I really want someone to fucking knock me out right now and surgically remove my vagina.
And in conclusion..
1. Pee after sex.
2. Pee after sex.
And last but not least..
P E E A F T E R S E X
I can check my phone a million times and not be interested in anything. I want human contact. I want to be around people who make me feel happy to be alive, all the time. When I’m not with friends I feel so worthless I don’t know how to occupy my time and make myself happy. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m so tired of pretending I’m stable and that everythings okay. I know my problems aren’t that bad but I’m such a weak person. Everything gets to me. I’m crying my eyes out because my sister ate my yogurt. That is definitely fucking ridiculous but it just triggered this ‘I hate my life’ thing and I don’t want to be alive and here I go. What is this?
I’m so tired of putting up with you.
I know you’re weak and I’m weak too but one of us needs to be strong. You are with me because you’ve never been with anyone else. You are so used to being with me that even though I hurt you, you stay because I can still make you feel as well as you used to. I am with you because I am used to you. I am with you because I don’t want him to be right, that we shouldn’t even be together. I am with you because you deserve to be treat better, but I will never be able to do that. I can’t deal with this problem for the rest of my life. I can’t. I want to be happy. I want someone to better me as a person. And although you’re a great boyfriend, a great great boyfriend that I do not deserve, you’re not what’s best for me.
I’m tired of dealing with you. I know that you deserve all the patience but somehow I selfishly won’t give it to you because I only care about my own happiness. Why life a life for you, you know? You live for me. But I don’t live for you because I’ve always always had a desire to still be my own person. And if our relationship inhibits that then.. you’re not the right thing for me and I’m not the right thing for you. You want a committed two people against the rest of the world kind of relationship while I want to be who I want to be and do what I want to do with who I want.
I don’t wanted to prove that we can endure this all but the war already has it’s predictions.
If we can’t endure now, how will we endure then?
Our relationship has become more and more sexual. That’s how we always end up solving problems. AND THATS NOT HEALTHY.
I dont WANT a relationship like that, but that’s what it’s come to.
Hello everyone! Thanks for tuning in to Tianna, Live! right from my bathroom!
It looks like I’ve contracted a UTI (The acronym should really stand for utter torture to infinity.) so I’ll be here all night! Let me just give you a great description of how I feel.. Think about your clitoris, that female equivalent of sensitivity and amount of nerve endings as the penis. Imagine your clitoris being skinned, down to the membranes and veins. Now, imagine someone pouring tobasco with lemon concentrate onto it. That’s how it feels to pee. And the best part of UTI? You feel like you need to go every 2 seconds, no hyperbole here.
Now I thought that focusing on mental issues would lessen the pain of my vagina, but it doesn’t. Alas, I’m already here, so if this might help me fall asleep then I shall do so.
I’m back on the subject of caring. I know that they are poison to my psyche, I know they will never feel as strongly as I do about them, and I know that dwelling on them is useless and I should be like hey, fuck them. but I don’t do that. My imaginary door will always be open. And even if I need to distance myself from them and them leaving would be a good thing, I still ask why. why do I give a shit. I guess it’s that innate flaw of humans, always desiring to be loved by everyone deep down.
I don’t take desertion well. I may not be able to express my loyalty greatly, but it’s fucking there. Everyone underestimates how strongly I feel. Or they’ll realize I’m probably not okay, but show 0 effort at a relationship. So why, right? why bother?
You could fuck me over and I will remember it whether it’d be months or years later, but as long as you’re someone that I really cared for.. I’ll always want to keep you in my life, because there are reasons why I valued you so deeply in the first place.
aand we’re back to the never ending conundrum.. how is it I’ve found someone who will love me unconditionally, without question, yet I don’t reciprocate those feelings as equally? Why can I not appreciate that I’ve found a diamond in the rough the first time around instead of swimming through seas of coal to get to that point?
I should be motherfucking grateful.
But I am too busy chasing those who don’t want me and wondering why they don’t want me when it’s all a lost cause.
Why do I keep thinking about this and always keeping hope. Putting my faith where it shouldn’t.
I understand why a lot of these things are the way they are, but my feelings remain the same, only to hurt me and the one who loves me most.
I thought that just pretending it’s all normal would help me but no. That doesn’t help, and neither does always bringing it up, like this really changed me entirely. I’m done with putting up a front.
It bothers me but I want to be done talking about it. It needs to be done.
Also, it’s interesting how the ‘smart’ people are the ones with these crazy decisions and a messed up sense of morality.