I don’t want to live out my life trying to please my parents. A lot of times I don’t want to live at all. But I need to. /It hurts to even think about the effect it would have on my parents./ I’m trying my best to continue to do so, even though I continually see more and more negatives or sadness in my future. They are my reason to live.
My mom is such an irresponsible and childish parent and it makes me want to cry knowing that she’ll cry over us hiding her cigarettes or beer because that’s whats really important to her. She’ll bring home a 6 pack every day but no dinner. She complains about needing gas money yet she spends $7 on cigarettes how many times a week. When we even let out one sentence calling her out on her problem she already says she doesn’t need a lecture.
She obviously. fucking. does.
I’m literally living for my parents and I’m not even doing a great job of that.
I can’t rely on you for happiness. things aren’t getting better here. I’m so tired. An (unhappy) relationship doesn’t make up for an unhappy life. That’s my problem, and mine alone that you can’t fix. why am I trying so hard to hang on.
My 18th surely takes the cake for worst birthday ever.
An hour ago and i lose my appetite and get that feeling at the pit of my stomach. An hour later and I’m numb to it again. I’m sorry I made you feel like that. Things magically get back to normal when we never talk and get over a problem. I love you, but I can’t change for you. I literally cannot. I’m argumentative, I’m talkative, I’m needy for attention, I can be heartless, I’m sorry I smoke or drink occasionally even though nothing bad happens to me and in no way does it affect you, but I’m not going to stop doing any of that. THATS ME. I love you, but I’m not going to change. Realize that, and take it or leave it as soon as possible because I’m tired of this.
1. He isn’t going to change for you. he isn’t even trying.
2. It isn’t healthy for you. you cry almost every other day..
3. well hey, you don’t have to want to set her on fire all the time. veeery unhealthy.
4. It ain’t worth the ride.. The guy doesn’t even listen to you. He’s only in it for himself.
5. don’t think you have to stay together. you don’t.
6. He’s going to leave anyways. better to get it over with, the sooner, the better.
7. You have enough shit to deal with.
All I can think about is ending my life.
It’s not that I have a plan specifically on how to do it and I don’t plan on trying but every time I feel the slightest bit down it spirals and I feel there’s nothing in my life worth living for. I try to think about how cute babies are or how much worse it’d be for my parents (which stops the suicidal suicidal thought but I just end up crying even harder) but I still find myself looking forward to writing suicide letters to my friends and family rather than homework. I could just be being silly, really. I’ve gone through this stage twice before, but I really think about ending my life every time I have time to think. It sounds so much easier than living. I try to list things that are worth living for but I feel like all aspects of my life suck right now. The school work makes me want to kill myself knowing I’m trying hard and I will get nothing. My friends make me want to kill myself because I only have 1 friend who hangs out with me. My boyfriend makes me want to kill myself because when everything is shitty he’s supposed to care and pick me up when he’s oblivious and ignorant to my situation. My family makes me want to kill myself because are relationships are so unhealthy. My parents make me want to kill myself because there isn’t money to get me through college or even get me a car so I can get a job one day. They’re old, they have health problems, I feel like I’ve been trying to mentally prepare myself for that for as long as I’ve realized that they’ve got 20 years on the other kids parents. I’m not great in any subject. I don’t have a talent for any instrument or sport I cant sing or dance or draw I’m not nice or pretty or anything special to anyone and I feel like I’d just cry if I tried to ask someone what’s worth it in my life to live for because they probably couldn’t name one thing truthfully either.