You ever feel like you’ve done something for so long like a routine and you do it without question that you wonder “why am I even doing this?”
I can’t stand to think of you with someone else, or sometimes I just ache from missing you and I don’t know if I’m doing this because I’m so still in love with you or I’m just.. with you because I’ve grown to think ‘this is the only way its supposed to be.’
sometimes when I don’t talk to you for a day or two I think, “nows a good time. I don’t miss him, maybe I will be fine without him. maybe I don’t need him.” and then there are those days when I just think about you and miss you so much and.. sometimes I have this hatred that I feel I’m never going to get rid of deep down.
I don’t know why. I’m so confused I feel like I need to do my best not to show my doubts in this relationship and try my best even If I’m not sure of my feelings because in the end everything will turn out the way it should, right?
Honestly, it’s not that big of a deal to me. Even tho you do it a lot, nothing to go crazy about.. but when you start being all shady, it’s a problem. Don’t give me that “I didn’t want you to be mad” bullshit. If you’re gonna give an excuse like it’s just ‘nothing’, WHY would you leave it out, eveery fuckin time.. It pisses me off that I know anyways, but you. do not. say anything. Honesty, ‘NIGGA’. And I don’t even say shit. I just let you on your merry fucking way. Things would be different If I was the one pulling shit like this.
you ever feel like you have to get out of the house to go any place whatsoever just to avoid being left alone with yourself? Your thoughts. Certain.. people.
I need other people around, I don’t want to cry, I feel like shit.
Honestly, if its possible to even pull this kind of shit in person I would go ape shit on her ass and try as hard as my hundred and five pound body possibly can to beat her face in.
If Matthew AND April leaves, I’m out. That’s pretty much a deal breaker.
On one side, I love him. I can’t go without thinking about him. why else would I take him back after sending me into spiraling depression for months? But I don’t know if that’s because Im in love with him, or maybe it’s just because I think I’m supposed to be with him.
And on anther hand, I will always hate him for hurting me so like I am nothing, deep down and I want him to suffer. but I don’t know how to do that. You don’t know how many times I’ve thought “I’m fine, this is a good stopping point, maybe it’s time..” but I regret saying this all the time.
ofcourse I don’t want to get hurt. I want to be with him, for the most part. I just don’t know If he’s.. what I need you know? I don’t know If he makes me a better me or If Id be better off without him, or what.
do I pull that go on a break shit? because I know he’ll be mad at first and I’ll ignore his calls, and then then I’ll see he’s doing the same shit that was the reason I asked for a break and I’m going to get jealous, regret it, and wish he’d call me.
anyone can disagree..
But who’s going to tell me they don’t see what I see?
If I can disect every flaw, who’s going to prove each one wrong?
I usually don’t ever complain about how much I hate how I look because if I can see it someone else probably will to.
I think I’m ugly. But I don’t want people to think so. I..
I’m going to go cry myself to sleep now.
Those kinds of things don’t happen to people like me.
To me, people close to me.
Its unreal. nope.
…..you can probably tell I haven’t been through much.
I don’t really react. Even at age 12, heading to the police station at night in the pouring rain while my sister is crying scared to death, I’m fine.
Even when my dad stays in the hospital for a month or two and no one really tells me whats going on and again, my sister is crying telling daddy she doesn’t want him to die, nope. im fine.
And because of that, as long as I’m with you I will never feel like I’m good enough. I’ll always feel like shit. I’ll always feel like I need to try so hard to hang onto you.