I can’t live with myself right now. I feel sick just being awake and realizing what I’ve done. I want to whine or cry because of the back lash of this but I honestly deserve so much shittier treatment. I’m not the one who’s having it the hardest right now. I want to cry about it but I knew what the hell I was doing. I should’ve actually thought about him and not be a selfish asshole. He deserves so much more than that. I don’t deserve anything right now.
I don’t want to live out my life trying to please my parents. A lot of times I don’t want to live at all. But I need to. /It hurts to even think about the effect it would have on my parents./ I’m trying my best to continue to do so, even though I continually see more and more negatives or sadness in my future. They are my reason to live.
My mom is such an irresponsible and childish parent and it makes me want to cry knowing that she’ll cry over us hiding her cigarettes or beer because that’s whats really important to her. She’ll bring home a 6 pack every day but no dinner. She complains about needing gas money yet she spends $7 on cigarettes how many times a week. When we even let out one sentence calling her out on her problem she already says she doesn’t need a lecture.
She obviously. fucking. does.
I remember the day I broke up with him, hev said ‘name 5 good things about your relationship’ and all I could think of was he gave me rides.. we didn’t talk on the phone or make plans and I could tell him I wanted to die and he didn’t care so much. I tried to tell hev that ed’s a great guy on the inside, and that I could imagine marrying him, but hev said that’s because I’ve never been with anyone else before. so, I tried ‘being’ with someone else. and I sure as hell don’t want to marry him.. my point is, I made sense of what I was doing. There were just a lot more feelings that I didn’t expect that clouded my thoughts.
I don’t get how people can write and talk about their feelings when their in their moods. I don’t want to think anymore. That’s what I’m trying to escape. I don’t like talking about problems I like ignoring them and pretending they’re not there till I go crazy.
I can’t rely on you for happiness. things aren’t getting better here. I’m so tired. An (unhappy) relationship doesn’t make up for an unhappy life. That’s my problem, and mine alone that you can’t fix. why am I trying so hard to hang on.
My 18th surely takes the cake for worst birthday ever.